So...
After a weekend that should have been so fun, so relaxing, why am I left in a mess of questions and musings and yearnings and inexplicably weighty sadness?
Why do I do this to myself? Why aren't I more vigilant in my fight against this? Why does it come like a thief in the night, making a mockery of my facade of wellness? How deeply ironic that not a month ago I was congratulating myself on, if not wishing myself 'better' then wishing myself 'better-ish'.
And I know what it is... I know what has triggered this... It's the random collision with an old school friend, making me think about the girl that I was... that girl, that me... and a bunch of what-if's that are now plaguing me. I am so completely and utterly unrecognisable, unrelated to that girl, that me... Why does Life dilute one so?
Don't you sometimes wish that life was like a Choose Your Own Adventure? That you could get to the bit where you're married (with children) and go Pfft! Done that now... let's go back and see what happens if I do this instead... So many forks in the road where I didn't even realise there was a fork...
And now, as I told Ms LaRue this very afternoon, I do seem to have succumbed to a classic case of histrionics...
Why do I do this to myself? Why aren't I more vigilant in my fight against this? Why does it come like a thief in the night, making a mockery of my facade of wellness? How deeply ironic that not a month ago I was congratulating myself on, if not wishing myself 'better' then wishing myself 'better-ish'.
And I know what it is... I know what has triggered this... It's the random collision with an old school friend, making me think about the girl that I was... that girl, that me... and a bunch of what-if's that are now plaguing me. I am so completely and utterly unrecognisable, unrelated to that girl, that me... Why does Life dilute one so?
Don't you sometimes wish that life was like a Choose Your Own Adventure? That you could get to the bit where you're married (with children) and go Pfft! Done that now... let's go back and see what happens if I do this instead... So many forks in the road where I didn't even realise there was a fork...
And now, as I told Ms LaRue this very afternoon, I do seem to have succumbed to a classic case of histrionics...
posted by actonb at 3:45 pm
9 Comments:
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Bumping into people you knew before always does that. It isn't histrionics, it's just that it's almost impossible to block out the high expectations of yourself you had as a pre-pubescent aspirant world-changer.
Those stealth forks are the worst though.
dilute or distill?
I'm not the person I was but the person I am.
So are you for which I am thankful.
The only problem with forks is they can poke you in the eye. And sometimes, sometimes can lead to the same destination.
The condition of the road may be different, the scenery more or less scenic and the rest areas more appealing but the destination may be the same. Only time will tell.
That will be 2 cents please.
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I was going to leave a long and helpful comment but after the fourth draft it was still sounding pompous, so I deleted it. Instead, please accept accept this virtual long distance hug.
I'm a little wary of sounding pompous too (not that I can imagine you being afflicted INC), so please pardon me if I'm being presumptuous, but..
You've had a lot to deal with recently, grief, extra work, christmas, car travel with children...good or bad they're all stressful.
Perhaps it's understandable if life leaves you feeling a little despondent right now?
May this soon pass, and virtual hugs from me too.
I owe you a big hug in person acton b.
hugs in person! yay!
i have so many of those forks that leave me wondering why why why? and what if, what if, what if? but you know, if we didnt have those forks then we would just have to deal with knives, and i know id rather get a nasty poke than be sliced in two.
Thank you lovely people - I am replying via post which should appear very shortly...
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