When good ideas go bad.
* Attention! God-related post coming up.*
Last night I went to church for the first time in about 4 months. I've been doing my hermit impersonation, it's the best way to deal with the crap I'm feeling. Or so I thought.
God was doing his darnedest to get through to me - sermon on Psalm 35, and the righteous indignation David feels when he thinks God has broken his promises. All very relevant. And preached by one of the few preachers I can tolerate at the moment. All good.
I don't hate God. I know that all this crap I'm wading through is just a journey. It's not going to be a permanent state of being. I know that He's watching over me, His heart breaking with mine, waiting for me to turn back.
I'm just really over His people.
It's hard to be at peace when your whole essence is pulsating with hatred for all the Good People surrounding you. I couldn't sing. I couldn't pray. It took all my effort just to keep from walking out (or throwing up). I feel so damn wretched.
And then, a shining moment of Grace. A sign that He knows.
Last night I went to church for the first time in about 4 months. I've been doing my hermit impersonation, it's the best way to deal with the crap I'm feeling. Or so I thought.
God was doing his darnedest to get through to me - sermon on Psalm 35, and the righteous indignation David feels when he thinks God has broken his promises. All very relevant. And preached by one of the few preachers I can tolerate at the moment. All good.
I don't hate God. I know that all this crap I'm wading through is just a journey. It's not going to be a permanent state of being. I know that He's watching over me, His heart breaking with mine, waiting for me to turn back.
I'm just really over His people.
It's hard to be at peace when your whole essence is pulsating with hatred for all the Good People surrounding you. I couldn't sing. I couldn't pray. It took all my effort just to keep from walking out (or throwing up). I feel so damn wretched.
And then, a shining moment of Grace. A sign that He knows.
When I survey the Wondrous Cross
(Isaac Watts)
...
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
And apparently it's possible for your broken heart to break just a little bit more.
(Isaac Watts)
...
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
And apparently it's possible for your broken heart to break just a little bit more.
posted by actonb at 7:57 am
5 Comments:
I thought all you freaks topped yourselves when the spaceship didn't arrive to collect you on NYE 2000...
I think the reason my mother rarely goes to church is because of all The Good People there; she has her own communion with God which suits her. I'm so sorry you're suffering right now; you sound like a very lovely person, and I hope your heart heals soon.
Px
i go but rarely to church, and when i do it is usually for the Messiah at Easter or something else.
and of course you dont hate God. you cant hate something that doesnt exist!
tee hee sniggle.
I had jesus toast for breakfast
Pomgirl - thanks. It was a step I needed to take. Hopefully things will get easier from here... People can be all wrong sometimes, just when you need them to get it right!
fingers - er, yes...
mex - erm, ditto.
shroom - that's nice dear.
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