Pity Party
This is a random waffley post. Sorry about that. Also sorry that I feel the need to apologise before I even start. That doesn't bode well...
And it isn't even mid-week banality aka Steph. It's kinda mid-week introspection. Morbid introspection. You see, I just realised that I've been back on the anti-depressants for a year. And while I've taken myself off them in the last couple of months, I'm coming to a growing realisation that I should really be taking them. And I should really get to my GP soon-ish.
I went on them when a certain event triggered an uncontrollable bout of skewed perception. My sister got engaged. I freaked. Utterly.
It took me a little while to realise that I was the problem, not her and her betrothed. And when that happened I had me a little deja vu moment, then a little light-bulb moment, then took myself to the GP and said "Hmmm, well, it seems that I haven't cured myself of that pesky depression thing" I need those drugs to keep me in the real world, to help me deal with the real world. I know that I'll get better one day. I've started seeing a counselor again, in the last two months, and though tiring, it's helping. I think. Well it's helping in such a way that I realise I should be taking that little white pill every morning. And that I'm not really that much of a freak.
Interesting aside: apparently women don't usually come to a place of 'individualisation' until about 38. I'm getting there now, despite all this shit I'm wading through. Go me!
And then there's the 'Why am I such a self-obsessed twit? Look at what other people have to do deal with...?' moments of sparkling clarity. An example - a family at our church, who have four beautiful kids (although they lost a baby, and had a couple of late-ish miscarriages), they do the whole home-school thing. She just had another baby, named Nathaniel (Gift of God). He wasn't feeding properly along with a couple of other problems. They had tests done - he's Downs. Now apart from my unbelievably uncharitable initial reaction (It lasted a split second and I'm so ashamed, I can't believe I'm even writing it) of 'Ha! Super-Spiro Christians! See how they handle that!', I just burst into tears... How can I think my life and situation are so sucky, in comparison to the difficulties others endure... I hang my head in shame. I need to just pull my socks up, and get over myself.
/end wallowing. Will resume normal banal mediocrity tomorrow.
And it isn't even mid-week banality aka Steph. It's kinda mid-week introspection. Morbid introspection. You see, I just realised that I've been back on the anti-depressants for a year. And while I've taken myself off them in the last couple of months, I'm coming to a growing realisation that I should really be taking them. And I should really get to my GP soon-ish.
I went on them when a certain event triggered an uncontrollable bout of skewed perception. My sister got engaged. I freaked. Utterly.
It took me a little while to realise that I was the problem, not her and her betrothed. And when that happened I had me a little deja vu moment, then a little light-bulb moment, then took myself to the GP and said "Hmmm, well, it seems that I haven't cured myself of that pesky depression thing" I need those drugs to keep me in the real world, to help me deal with the real world. I know that I'll get better one day. I've started seeing a counselor again, in the last two months, and though tiring, it's helping. I think. Well it's helping in such a way that I realise I should be taking that little white pill every morning. And that I'm not really that much of a freak.
Interesting aside: apparently women don't usually come to a place of 'individualisation' until about 38. I'm getting there now, despite all this shit I'm wading through. Go me!
And then there's the 'Why am I such a self-obsessed twit? Look at what other people have to do deal with...?' moments of sparkling clarity. An example - a family at our church, who have four beautiful kids (although they lost a baby, and had a couple of late-ish miscarriages), they do the whole home-school thing. She just had another baby, named Nathaniel (Gift of God). He wasn't feeding properly along with a couple of other problems. They had tests done - he's Downs. Now apart from my unbelievably uncharitable initial reaction (It lasted a split second and I'm so ashamed, I can't believe I'm even writing it) of 'Ha! Super-Spiro Christians! See how they handle that!', I just burst into tears... How can I think my life and situation are so sucky, in comparison to the difficulties others endure... I hang my head in shame. I need to just pull my socks up, and get over myself.
/end wallowing. Will resume normal banal mediocrity tomorrow.
posted by actonb at 1:56 pm
9 Comments:
Dude ... you're human. Show me the person who can curb thoughts of 'this steak is a little overcooked' with 'but there are starving children in africa' and I'll show you a saint.
Not that you're complaining about your steak, but you get the point. It's one thing to be thankful for what you hvae, and another to feel you can never get upset because others have it worse.
my mum had a twin that died at birth who was downs. she didnt find out until she was well into her 20s and had moved to Australia.
thats totally irrelevant... but i think we all need to get over ourselves a bit. think about the wider bigger picture and at least try to do one small good thing for someone/something else every day. even if its saving water by not flushing the toilet.
Sanity is over-rated AB; we all carry baggage and insecurities, but when you start to get into "validation" or worrying about others and how you look/fit/measure in thier world, then that is a mugs game. We all do our best at our own thing. Just relax and try to enjoy the journey of life - after all, the destination is a bastard, isn't it?
My dad suffers from depression, so I know its a bitch. But, I am 100% of the belief that those little pills are gifts from god and worth every cent you pay for them. If they help you get in a good head space, then I think they're worth it.
Went off my anti's after 5 years,
and hurried back on them.
I can't face this hard world without a coushion.
I'm weak & angry.
I've always been a bit suspect of anti's. They seem to hand them out fairly liberally now as some sort of cure all.
I accept that some people need them as a crutch for low spots but long term use of them really isnt looking at resolving the heart of the issues causing the depression surely?
It is okay to go back on them actonb, it does not make you any less of a strong, brave person.
You are a lovely, lovely person, and don't ever regret it.
There are no idle comments that one can make in response to such a heartfelt and personal post.
I will just wish you be well and say do what you have to do to be happy, you deserve it - everyone does.
Thanks for the virtual hugs guys.
It wasn't meant to be a trawl for compliments... just a snapshot of where I'm at. And where I recognise that I need to be headed.
I'll be well. One day.
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