Suffer the Little Children...
On Sunday I met an amazing woman who is a foster carer for Barnardos. She was running the creche at the local Baptist church we were visiting and, once the service had finished, I had a really great chat with her that left me with so many questions and mixed feelings, and overall confusion...
You see, she is foster mother to a set of twins (boy and girl) who are about 17 months old. When she first started looking after them, they were 9 months old and had been removed from their home due to the fact that they had been completely neglected. They had never been fed any solid food, and were unable to sit up or support themselves in any way, as they had spent their entire short little lives laying in their cot.
So this lady spent a great deal of time, effort, and massive amounts of love and affection, and managed to get these little ones to a point where they actually started interacting, and eating, and progressing as they are supposed to...
And then the courts decided they were to be returned to their parents.
So now she only has the twins on the weekends - and apparently they are getting increasingly clingy and difficult, as the only place they get any affection or attention is with this lady.
Oh my heart just breaks for them...
Now, I don't know the whole story here - I don't know who the parents are, what their problems are, what the whole convoluted scenario is... But for goodness sakes! It must be so difficult working in this area - having to make judgement calls such as this one, when one decision can affect the whole future of a child.
What constitutes 'neglect'?
When does 'neglect' become 'abuse'?
When does the right of a Child to be healthy and content outweigh the right of a parent, to well, parent?
It is so hard not to make snap judgements, about 'the system', the parents, the carers... What a mine-field. I can only pray for those involved to maintain strength and compassion and hope.
I remember going to the National Baptist Assembly when I was living in the UK. And while it was one of the most uplifting and empowering experiences of my religious life, the moment that remains with me, that still has the power to sting me to tears, was the story of the Baptist Missionary Society's trip to the North Korean orphanages. Picture after picture of dead-eyed children. Of rooms full of tiny cots, with babies swaddled, never to enjoy the comfort of cuddles in the middle of the night. Hundreds of deathly quiet infants, who learn so quickly that crying brings no comfort, and is therefore just not necessary.
I just wanted to fly over there, and bundle them all into my arms and run away with them.
I know that's not possible, but my heart - it still aches.
Fostering is something that MrB and I have seriously considered - although obviously it's not something we can do right now. When the girls are a little older, when MrB's not studying, then we'll do it. And that's not an excuse, just reality. When sometimes I have to stop and remind myself to hug my own children, to acknowledge the need to spend some time appreciating them, then I'm in no state to be presenting myself as an alternative parent to some other poor child. But it's something that's always there in the back of my mind. And if it's something that I'm meant to do, then it will happen. I have faith.
I may not be able to save an entire orphanage, but if I can one day help other children to understand that hearts can sing, and that families are love, then it'll be a start...
You see, she is foster mother to a set of twins (boy and girl) who are about 17 months old. When she first started looking after them, they were 9 months old and had been removed from their home due to the fact that they had been completely neglected. They had never been fed any solid food, and were unable to sit up or support themselves in any way, as they had spent their entire short little lives laying in their cot.
So this lady spent a great deal of time, effort, and massive amounts of love and affection, and managed to get these little ones to a point where they actually started interacting, and eating, and progressing as they are supposed to...
And then the courts decided they were to be returned to their parents.
So now she only has the twins on the weekends - and apparently they are getting increasingly clingy and difficult, as the only place they get any affection or attention is with this lady.
Oh my heart just breaks for them...
Now, I don't know the whole story here - I don't know who the parents are, what their problems are, what the whole convoluted scenario is... But for goodness sakes! It must be so difficult working in this area - having to make judgement calls such as this one, when one decision can affect the whole future of a child.
What constitutes 'neglect'?
When does 'neglect' become 'abuse'?
When does the right of a Child to be healthy and content outweigh the right of a parent, to well, parent?
It is so hard not to make snap judgements, about 'the system', the parents, the carers... What a mine-field. I can only pray for those involved to maintain strength and compassion and hope.
I remember going to the National Baptist Assembly when I was living in the UK. And while it was one of the most uplifting and empowering experiences of my religious life, the moment that remains with me, that still has the power to sting me to tears, was the story of the Baptist Missionary Society's trip to the North Korean orphanages. Picture after picture of dead-eyed children. Of rooms full of tiny cots, with babies swaddled, never to enjoy the comfort of cuddles in the middle of the night. Hundreds of deathly quiet infants, who learn so quickly that crying brings no comfort, and is therefore just not necessary.
I just wanted to fly over there, and bundle them all into my arms and run away with them.
I know that's not possible, but my heart - it still aches.
Fostering is something that MrB and I have seriously considered - although obviously it's not something we can do right now. When the girls are a little older, when MrB's not studying, then we'll do it. And that's not an excuse, just reality. When sometimes I have to stop and remind myself to hug my own children, to acknowledge the need to spend some time appreciating them, then I'm in no state to be presenting myself as an alternative parent to some other poor child. But it's something that's always there in the back of my mind. And if it's something that I'm meant to do, then it will happen. I have faith.
I may not be able to save an entire orphanage, but if I can one day help other children to understand that hearts can sing, and that families are love, then it'll be a start...
Labels: Super Spiro
posted by actonb at 10:57 am
5 Comments:
I think that being a foster parent is one of the toughest jobs in the world. That woman you met is amazing! And you will be amazing when you are one as well.
Poor kiddly winks - people should have to get a license before they have children.
She was pretty amazing...
There were a few families fostering in our old church too - it's something we've been thinking about for a while, but just isn't possible right now...
It's really heart breaking, isn't it? How hard it must be to give back children that you love, knowing that they won't be treated with the same care.
That was beautiful.
I have worked in that field, and to some extent I still do.
Me heart breaks more often than it used to.
We had friends who had foster kids who she wasn't able to adopt despite her long care for them.
It was really really sad for her.
She had a good relationship with their birth mother, and tried several times to facilitate their return to their parents' home, but it never lasted.
It's really sad all round I reckon.
Biology is clearly not a determinant of a parents' capacity to love in cases like foster care - when people bang on about DNA testing I always think of the amazing love and tender care that non-biological care-givers (i.e. foster mums and dads, adoptive parents) give to the kids in their care, who are a part of their family too.
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